Cretan pederasty- Pederasty was big in ancient Greece. Cretan was an archaic form of pederasty that involved the ritual kidnapping of a noble boy by an adult male of the aristocratic class, with the consent of the boy's father. The man would take the boy into the wilderness, where they spent two months hunting and feasting with their friends. If the boy was satisfied with the conduct of his would-be comrade, they returned to the philetor and lived in close bonds of public intimacy with him. The function of the institution, beside teaching the youth adult skills, was supposed to confirm the status of the best men, and to offer both lover and beloved the chance to give proof of a noble character deserving of respect. A late comment by the Roman historian Cornelius Nepos claims that Cretan youths had more than one lover: "Quite young men in Crete are praised for having had as many lovers as they could."

Mandatory Prostitution- Every woman in the Assyrian empire, from the highest member of society down to the lowest, had to present herself at least once in her lifetime to the temple of Aphrodite for this sacred rite. A woman taking part had to wear a crown of cords on her head to distinguish herself from other women who were not participating. She then sat on the temple steps—or on the sacred plot of Aphrodite—to await the attention of customers. The women had to accept the first man who came along. This ancient religious practice drew in a considerable crowd of interested men. Once a man found a woman he liked, he would toss money onto her lap and say, “I demand thee in the name of Mylitta.” After they performed the ritual intercourse, the woman was deemed holy in the eyes of the goddess and could no longer be forced or bribed for sex. The Greek historian Herodotus noticed the drawback of this ritual, remarking that the tall and fair women got to go home first, but the ugly ones usually had to stay behind much longer, sometimes for years.

Mayan Sons- Mayan nobles were very hands-on when it came to raising their sons. They considered it part of a parent’s obligation to not only provide their boys with financial and emotional support, but also to cater to their sexual needs. When sons of noble families reached adolescence, their parents would look for the most handsome youth from commoner families to be their son’s sexual partner before marriage.

Royal Masturbation- Since the ancient Egyptians believed that the Pharaoh was the representative of their god Ra to the world, it was his job to help the gods maintain balance. One of the onerous jobs he had to perform each year was the ritual re-enactment of Atum’s act of creation to help Atum maintain the life-giving force of the Nile and keep it flowing. During the feast of the god Nim, the Pharaoh, along with the public, would go down to the shores of the Nile to perform this very important and holy rite. The Pharaoh would walk to the edge of the river bank, disrobe, and masturbate, with particular emphasis on making his semen fall in the river and not on land. Afterward, all the men who came along for the ceremony would do the same thing. By so doing, they ensured that the life-giving force of the river blessed their kingdom, securing a bountiful harvest for another year.

Ancient toys- In 2005, in Germany, archaeologists made a startling discovery. Eight inches of rock-hard matter protruded from the ground. While the size is impressive, so is the carving. This was a 26,000-year-old phallus that some researchers believe to be the earliest discovered dildo. While this is the oldest dildo discovered, it is by no means unique. Life-size penises have been discovered fashioned from all manner of material, even wood—which suggests our ancestors were braver about splinters than we are today.

Penis Charms- The penis appeared everywhere in the ancient world. You could not walk the streets of ancient Athens or Rome without risk of poking your eye out. In Athens, statues called Herms were ubiquitous. A square pillar with the head of the god Hermes, they also feature erect phalluses. These penile protectors were thought so important that when in 415 BC, someone went on a drunken rampage and smashed the penises, it created a crisis in the state. The penis was thought to possess Apotropaic power—it could ward off evil. It was painted on frescoes, carved in statues, cast in bronze, and generally daubed wherever people might wish to be safe. Often, the phallus is shown with wings, and sometimes these winged penises were hung with bells. These Tintinnabulae acted as both charming wind-chimes and magical protectors.

Egypt’s Incestuous Gods- Royal families have often tried to keep their bloodlines pure by marrying within small and closely related groups, often with disastrous genetic consequences. The Egyptian royal family often married brother to sister to keep it all in the family. This is not a good idea, but it becomes more understandable when you consider that the ancient pharaohs were seen as gods on Earth. And they were doing exactly the same as the gods in heaven. The most famous example of a brother-sister marriage in Egyptian mythology is that of Osiris and Isis. When the god Osiris was killed and dismembered by his brother Set, his wife and sister Isis sought to gather up all his body parts. The only one she failed to recover was his penis—which was eaten by a crocodile. Since the Nile had claimed the penis of a god, it became hugely fertile and brought life to the land. In the first mention in recorded history of a blow job, Isis fashioned a new penis out of clay for her brother-husband and blew life into it.